La Dame Française

Assalamualaikum….. my brothers and sisters..!!


Welcome to the conversion…

I grew a stubble, thought I’d change my flow a bit…that’s how the west pictures hairy brown dudes.

Talking of that. Have you heard of the French laws? They have banned the burka… I don’t understand what they are after.

I can imagine what the meeting might have been like..

Macaroon: “misuerrs.!!! It is thze time to make histry…..we ban thze boorka”

Even the President is named after pastry

Croissant and the team: “we we we …. wei are la best pastisfee (pastry) makers, we inventé thze birthday suit slllwimwear (nudist beach), magnifique !! now lets us try thzee halal…..vive la France !!”

Idiots ! cant even say my name properly “its Faisel” .. “Faisauel??” … no shutup !!

Yup.. we are going to explore the French automotive world today. I happened to gain interest into this recently, not that I am not aware of but French cars in general are not known for anything today.

You want the most technically advanced vehicle, you go German. You want affordable and reliable, Japanese. You want exotic and scintillating, Italian. You want opulent and arrogant, British. Copy and paste done legally, Chinese. That means there is no real space in the spectrum for the French and yet they stand in the top 10 global companies list.

Ermm……American?? Lets forget them for a bit. All they do is poach stuff from the rest of the world and call it theirs..

Citroen DS
1950’s Citroen DS

So yeah. Citroën is the name of the car company I am ranting on today. I do like their products because they are stupid and senseless most of the time. Back in the 1950’s this company produced a car called the DS. DS translated in French is ‘goddess’. Anything good? Yes, it was revealed to the world at the Paris motor show back then and they already had twelve-thousand orders on the first day. Mind you this car in today’s era may fall in the same class as a BMW 5-series.

What was so epic about it? hmm… it was the first vehicle to have an aerodynamic design, first to have disc brakes, first to have adjustable suspension which is called hydropneumatic suspension. Basically, it is said to be as comfy as riding a magic carpet and it would not wobble like a boat. Oh yes, the headlights would also turn according to your steering inputs. So lots of innovation back then and the company is kinda become dreary and lacklustre now.

It is not actually. It is like how everybody wants an iPhone. There are so many options. Why sacrifice on music. “aint nobody want a one hole typa gurl” it’s only a joke… grow up.

That brings us to the DS at present. It is now a separate luxury division of the company. Their latest car to bare the Citroën DS badge is called DS7 crossback.

Citroen DS7
Citroen DS7 SUV (click picture to view commercial)

To start with it is an SUV. Looks very familiar, right? It is done to be similar to the competition. That’s the beauty of the modern world. If you want to sell something make it exactly like the popular stuff. Buyers lack taste anyway.

To my eyes this car is specially made with women in mind. It’s got the flavour of the fashion industry. We’ll start with the intérieur because that’s what made me pen this post.

Citroen DS7 Interior
Citroen DS7 Interior- plagiarized from the Chanel store

The interior is certainly emblazoned with a boutique aura. If this is on display in a Chanel or a Dior fashion store it would look right in place.  The theme of the design is diamonds, so everywhere you look like the displays, have a diamond user-interface, the dash has diamond stitching, the knobs are knurled with diamonds. It is deliciously beautiful.

Citroen DS7 Entertainment
The screen resembles handbags I reckon

Now ladies, if there is anyone reading. The centre screen in my mind looks like a handbag with a strap that hides the clock in between the air vents. The switches at the bottom garnish the display with a posh sheen. Lovely yeah? The centre where the gear lever is housed has buttons that mimic a blend of jewellery and perfume bottles.

I hope I am doing enough justice to explain this because the materials and textures, suede and leather of all sorts used in this cabin is pleasing to the eye. The materials are stitched together with something called ‘pearl stitching’. It has those beads or whatever they are called. I like the logo on the steering wheel. They may have stolen it from drop-down earing designers.

DS7 Centre Console
DS7 Center Console-
inspired by perfume bottles

Ahh… am staggered. It looks like a bespoke product. The CEO of the company is a lady, what can you expect? The company also owns ‘Faurecia’ which is a producer of interior systems with clientele like VW, Mercedes, BMW, Toyota etc. No surprise the inside is better than the competition. Lets go outside..

Yes, it looks very much like the typical Audi, but with a brush of makeup. Infact, when I first saw the DS7, I thought the companies had some kind of a business tie-up but they don’t.  The headlights have a crafted-crystal look to them. And the grille is very chic with dark metal mesh. There is very little to talk about the exterior. The rear taillights for example are sexy as hell with the indicator lights working exactly like the Audi’s.

Citroen DS7 Facia
Citroen DS7 Facia

You see, most females I have met tend to like Audis, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the rings in the front that represent bangles or something. So this Citroën here is going to be the right alternative, maybe better than the German one too. It is the age of SUV’s and this thing fits perfectly in the game.

Wait I didn’t talk of the engines and features. It comes with two diesel engines 1.5L and 2.0L and a 1.6L petrol and also a 4×4 hybrid because today we eat grass while our dogs have grooming appointments. There is an industry leading suspension in the DS7, I forgot to mention. The suspension is self-levelling meaning it has cameras in the front that analyse the terrain and adjust the dampers simultaneously. Hence the ride is floaty and quiet. Nice!… Come-on! They redefined their own invention after 60 years. I said it earlier. Am genuinely impressed and have a soft spot for the big Citroën. It is quirky.

Citroen DS7 Rear
Rear taillights work exactly like the Audi’s

So ladies and gents. Just the ladies for this bit. At last there is something that suits your exquisite dress code, made by women for women. The DS7 costs around the same as an Audi Q3 but is as big as an Audi Q5. Bigger is definitely better. Take note… btw boys, don’t feel left out. I have exaggerated a bit.

One tiny flaw though. It is the most absurd mistake the French could ever make. The DS7 doesn’t come accustomed to suit a particular season. Summer, winter, autumn…. They may have forgotten. Sheeesh…. That’s bad, even I suffer looking for gifts sometimes.

An informative consumer advice from me. See? I can be knowledgeable too.

Au revoir … still can’t say that properly… damn it.. ‘language of love’ huh… we have thze book of lovemaking…get lost.